i feel like tris from divergent when i tell you: this isn't real. 

this isn't a real battenberg cake. it's part of your fear landscape where all the pink cakes lose their color, because let's review our cakes of the world: battenberg cakes should be pink and yellow. 

i don't know, there was a stray sheet cake in my freezer.

and this weekend called for some playing around of marzipan and jam, call it grownup play-doh. call it a celebration of all the things that are happening this week:

-a blizzard

-i am going to florida for my cousin's bat mitzvah

-heath ledger would have been 35

-eggboy's uncle is turning another year

-i might get a haircut

it's going to be a good week you guys, i just know it.

this cake is literally the easiest thing to make and it's really easy to carry around, so if you need to take a birthday cake to a friend at work or want to bail someone out of jail with a cake in hand, this is one very good option.

battenberg cake

makes 1 loaf cake

ingredients

1 batch of your favorite vanilla cake batter, mixed with a splash of almond extract

food coloring

16 ounces of marzipan

powdered sugar, for dusting

about 1/2 cup raspberry (or other berry) jam

decorations: berries, jimmies, glaze, etc.

clues

again, traditional battenberg cakes are two different colors. you can either do what i did and bake a 9-inch x 13-inch sheet cake without coloring it, or you can divide the batter into two, stir in a little food coloring, and then divide the pan lengthwise by placing a fold of parchment down the center so you can bake the two separate cakes in the same pan (like this).

once the cakes are baked and cooled, wrap them tightly in plastic wrap and freeze for at least an hour or overnight.

trim the cakes so that you have four long skinny cakes that are as perfectly square as you can get them. get out your ruler for this! mine turned out to be 1 1/2-inch squares.

on a surface dusted with powdered sugar, knead some food coloring into your marzipan. transfer it to a large sheet of parchment and then roll it out so that it's big enough to cover the cake, leaving the ends open.

brush the lengths of the cakes with jam so you can "glue" them together. brush the marzipan with jam, and then carefully roll the cake up with the marzipan. smooth out all surfaces of the marzipan so that it sticks well to the cake, and then place it with the marzipan seam side down.

decorate as you wish!

-yeh!